First Holiday

I made it through Thanksgiving. I've had days in this process that felt unbearable. One of the reminders in my phone comes at 9:15pm and says: "You made it through the day! That's one more day than you thought you could." Especially early on, this was a reminder I needed every day. For the most part, I don't need to see it now.

A year ago life was so different. I was elated to wake up in Colorado with my family for the holiday. We've spent years with my mom's side of the family celebrating holidays together. Board games, all of us in one house, lots of dogs, and a house filled to the brim with love. My uncle cooking, my aunt playing the piano with my cousins and myself around her singing, naps, food, and family.

Last year was a change from the few years prior. Since getting married, holidays were mostly spent with his side. I loved having a niece and nephews to spend the day with and lots of little ones running around. I love my family but much of mine live out of town. I felt blessed to be welcomed into a family and having those traditions to celebrate. Many of the holidays the past 6 years had been spent with his family.

I knew this year would be different. It's a year of transition and lots of learning what a new "normal" is. Rediscovering myself and new ways of doing things. Some of this is exciting and a breath of fresh air. I've been proud of myself for how far I've come. And some of this is like the reopening of deep wounds and hurts that I don't want to touch.

Yesterday was a day I'd been dreading. I tried desperately to get excited about it, to minimize the drastic change in my day. I feel like I've done a good job of this. But there are days like my anniversary last month and holidays that I just know are going to be hard. And it was.

There was a piece of my heart that was still broken yesterday. A piece of me that was reminded I'm still human and still healing.

Give yourself grace, Chrissy. Let the wound hurt and heal. Give it oxygen. It can't be covered forever.

I spent the afternoon with my friend Kelly and her family. The virtue I'm working on this year is humility and boy has it been one that's been coming up a lot.

I kept thinking of all the years in high school that our house was the one where friends would come that needed a home for the holidays. I loved this! I embraced it. And here I was, the person on the flip side. It was the circumstance that was hard. And, to be honest, my attitude. I truly had a difficult time finding joy in getting up yesterday and celebrating.

I'm so grateful for the Kelly's friendship and her family for welcoming me into their family for the day. At one point, Kelly's husband and brother played the piano. This warmed my heart and made me feel at home with my family. I was embraced like any other person in the house.

The absence of my niece and nephews ached like I thought it couldn't ache. Mourning the loss the holidays as I've known them and knowing that they won't be again is painful. But it's part of the process and the healing.

At the end of the day, I was ready for the day to be over. I made it through. That was as much as I could say. But I did it.

As I get out my Christmas decorations, I take deep breaths and brace for bringing some more oxygen to those wounds.

In these moments, I praise God for the victory that is to come. I praise Him for the plans He has for the future.

Just this week, I was reminded of a quote to get my through.

 "So praise Him [God] even when you don't feel like praising Him. Sing when you don't feel like singing. Do it anyway. And when you do it you release God's power. Abraham gave God glory, and God gave him the miracle." -Keith Butler from Give God Praise and He Gives You the Victory

Life won't always be like this and for that I'm grateful. I made it through my first big holiday. And each one will get better.

A Grateful Heart

“In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” -1 Thessalonians 5:18

This is the time of year that we are reminded to stop and be present. Remember the little blessings and appreciate them. I can say I have played Tug-of-War with gratitude this year. I’ve played Tug-of-War with God this year.

My faith has been tested. Though trials have come, I've learned to embrace the words: 

Whatever my lot, 

Thou has taught 

me to say, 

it is well

It is well 

with my soul.

These words have become my daily song.

Looking back several months ago, I struggled with choosing gratitude. I didn't see it. And sometimes I still don't fully grasp the why. But I choose to be thankful for the plans God has in store. Grateful for Him carrying me through.

So here are a few things I am thankful for this year:

  1. Family that is supportive and loves me, flaws and all. 

    A mom that knew I needed her and dropped everything to hop on a plane and be with me. She’s been available for talking hours at a time, even just to sit on the phone and watch a show together so I’ll have company. 

A dad who leaves work to let my dogs out each day at lunch, replaces the firewood in my fireplace without me noticing, and leaves notes and reminders that he cares.

A brother who opened his house to me when I needed to get away for a few days, welcoming my dogs and me into his life.

2.  Incredible friends.

Friends that heard my mom was leaving town and drove out from Denver to spend days with me, take down Christmas lights in May, help around the house, pray with me, and support me.

Friends/coworkers that knew it’d be a difficult 30^thbirthday for me and surprised me every hour of my birthday with gifts during a teacher training this summer. That had ice cream cake, flowers, cards, and words of encouragement to make the day as special as possible.

Friends that flew out from Michigan to be with me to celebrate my birthday and make it special.

A teammate that prays for me and with me, that inspires me to be a better teacher and a better person. 

New friends and old friends that remind me to laugh off the hard days, hold onto the good days, and praise God on both days.

3.  Inspiring students.

I’m blessed to spend my days with the future of the world.

Students that remind me to stop and look at the little things.

Students that teach me how to floss.

Students that allow me to dance and sing around the room without judgment.

Students that show me the importance of friendship and perseverance.

Students that make me full belly laugh.

Students that challenge me to be innovative and enthusiastic.

Students that inspire and humble me daily.

4.  The struggle

            The struggle that knocked me off my feet and onto my    
            knees and continues to do so.
The struggle that caused me to cling to faith and prayer.

The struggle that led to a self-discovery I didn’t know I was missing out on.

The struggle that forced me into a life I am now thankful for.

I have a home. I have hundreds of people that have reached out in love and in prayer. I have dogs to come home to. I have a job that I love. Most importantly, I have my faith.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

You Say

Walk into any classroom of six year olds and ask who can sing. You'll see a sea of hands raised with pride. Ask a group of six year olds who can draw. The hands will shoot up again. Ask those same children if God loves them and see their unquestionable confidence in their "yes" responses.

Have you ever been to a school concert with that one child that is belting it out above the rest or dancing without an awareness of anyone else around? Our eyes are drawn to the boldness of this child who is unafraid of judgment.

As children, we believe we can do anything. One thing I love about teaching elementary students is just that. That innocence and belief in themselves is inspiring.

At what point do we lose this innocence? This undeniable belief in ourselves? We hear once that a drawing isn't great, or someone laughs at it. And the next time we draw, we're slightly hesitant, aware of others' opinions.

When it comes to drawing in class, I'm the least confident of anyone in the group. I even have a routine.
Me: Did I go to school to be an artist?
Kids: (giggles) No.
Me: What did I go to school to be?
Kids: A teacher!
Me: So is this going to be a perfect (insert animal or illustration) ?
Kids: No!

I feel the need, in a group of non-judgmental six year olds, to justify my lack of artistic ability. News flash: They don't care!


As we grow older, we become jaded by the world and the opinions of those around us. Or maybe it's just me. But I don't think so.

I can personally say that I've defined my worth based on others' views of me. Wow. What an incredible power I've given to people that may or may not even know me. I've allowed myself to believe that I am just as good as others think I am. How sad is that?



I read recently (and reread and reread and reread...) something like "Your worth is not defined by others' ability to recognize it." I've been praying this, reading this, hoping I would believe it soon.

I lost sight of my worth for too long. I forgot that I had it. I let others take my worth into their hands and gave all my power away. And for the first time in a long time, all that reading, praying, hoping is doing something.

I set reminders in my phone often. This is one of my ways of giving myself positive self-talk throughout the day. I've been focusing my worth in this positive self-talk. 

It's so true that you believe what you hear over and over. To overcome that negativity in the world, I have to go above and beyond to counteract it, especially if I've allowed years of it to build up.

I set a daily reminder in my phone that says: You are beautiful! Gosh was that one a hard one to type out. It felt so prideful. And to be honest, I didn't feel it. When I put that reminder in my phone to go off at 5:00pm each day, what I was thinking about were all the things I didn't find beautiful about myself. My mind was filled with all of the exceptions. But reading it every day has changed my views of myself. All those exceptions have melted away and become some of the things I love most about myself. Not all of them, but there is nothing about me that makes me lose that undeniable, God-given worth.

I remind myself that I have a positive impact on those around me (7:00am), that I'm worthy (12:30pm), that I'm proud of myself (7:30pm), and much more.

As I write this, I have the song "You Say" performed by Lauren Daigle on repeat for the 12th or 13th time. If you haven't heard it, stop right now and listen.

Did you do it?

If you're not religious, put yourself in the voice of "You".

The song speaks to those negative thoughts. There are constant voices telling me, telling all of us that we're not enough. But deep down there's that six year old that needs to be reignited and reminded that she or he can do anything. That class of six year olds knows God loves them and created them to be beautiful.

Today and each day I set a goal to remind myself that I don't have to be jaded. That my worth isn't defined by anyone's ability or inability to see it. I have worth because I am a human. Period. Regardless of my flaws, my shortcomings, my ability to put my foot in my mouth, or my artistic abilities.

Hold onto that worthiness. Know that you are enough. Not because I say. Because You Say.

"No disciple is above his teacher, no slave above his master." Matthew 10:24