On December 31, I was ready. Ready in a different way. In the past, I've been ready for the exciting things of the new year as I remember the fond memories of the year prior.
Though there was good in 2018, much of the good was overshadowed by what was the most difficult year I've lived. I felt blindsided by life in 2018. Shortchanged and left to pick up the pieces of what was left. These were memories I didn't want to remember fondly on December 31. As the day loomed, I couldn't get excited about a celebration. I was just ready to wake up to a new year. Though I'd spent months working through those pieces I was...am picking up, the day just loomed over me.
I wish I could say I was more gracious in this moment. There have been times when I have been. Overall, I've begun to see the beauty. I see that God has rescued me from what I thought I wanted. I'm still in that 40 years of wandering in the desert (though hopefully not that long). Preparing for the end of the year couldn't come soon enough.
I couldn't get myself to want to go out or be with friends. I resolved to spend the evening at home just like any other night. I was just ready to the chapter to close and a new one to begin. I don't think I even made it to 11:00 before falling asleep.
And then, it was over. The year. It was only a moment in time that changed, and I was still just as me as the night prior. But I was able to finally say "Last year...." with those memories rather than referring to the number of months. The words "last year" brought peace. It was a reminder of that chapter closing. I woke up on January 1 ready for a new beginning. I didn't know what it would be or really if it would be any different than any other day. But I was ready.
This year, I didn't make a resolution to go to the gym more frequently, or pick up a new hobby, or anything like I've done in the past. My resolution is to just love me, to make me a priority, to hold onto my worth, to continue to heal and put my faith in Him each day. To open my heart to whatever life has in store for me.
My resolution wasn't a conscious one that I made, but a change that has taken months to embrace. Bible study, a support system that has been there every step of the way, spiritual direction, groups, counseling, and faith. Without any one of these, I couldn't be where I am.
This year, I have a new appreciation for new beginnings. I have faith that good is unfolding and I need only praise God for the new day and the new year.
My hope and prayer is that your year is the best one yet.
"Behold, I make all things new." -Revelation 21:5
