The holidays this year are a far cry from last year. Last year, it was all new. After several years of what I thought would be my life forever, I was hit in the face with a new reality. It was a reality I wasn't ready or very willing to embrace.
2018 was no doubt the most painful year of my life. As I wrote in January, I spent New Years Eve last year going to bed early and ready to finally close the book on 2018.
As we near the end of 2019 and I look back at this year, I am filled with gratitude. What a stark contrast it was to the year prior.
I no longer need my "One Day at a Time" playlist to get me through recess duties to keep me from breaking down at work. I don't spend my break in my classroom crying anymore.
God has placed people in my life that have been through similar traumas and serve as a support system. Learning that I'm not alone has been essential. Not only that, but God has brought people into my life who are going through similar struggles now and I am able to provide support for them. God has redeemed that suffering in my life and used it for good. I have been able to look at my piles of books from support groups and counseling and pass them on to someone else who needs them.
In July, two of my best friends, Megan and Shawn, had their first baby. Megan I met in 2011 through a mutual friend and became close instantly. She's a youth minister in Denver and at the time I was an adult Core Team member for my church's Lifeteen group. We both love Jesus, singing, and were former cheerleaders.
The week I came home any he was gone, Megan and Shawn made the drive from Denver to be with me. Shawn took down Christmas lights that were still on the house, helped with other things that needed to be done, and both provided much needed emotional support during that incredibly difficult time.
A few months ago, they called and told me they called and asked me to be the godmother to their sweet little Kelby. Cue tears. It was such a blessing to meet little Kelby James last month and take part in his Baptism. I may not have children of my own, but I sure do love my godchildren a ton.
What else in 2019? Oh, I can watch romantic movies again. This is huge! When he first left, my mom and I would watch movies/tv shows over the phone together (so I had company) and the list of "safe" content felt restrictive. I still get triggered by infidelity, abuse, and other things, but I can watch sappy movies once again and not ugly cry uncontrollably.
One thing I learned from 2018 is that I have worth that is God-given and there is no place in my life for anyone that doesn't recognize it. I've learned my nonnegotiables. I've learned that with faith, truly anything is possible: any pain can be overcome, any circumstance, any healing.
I've spent the year being okay with saying "no", focusing on self-care and knowing that it is most important (after faith) in order for everything else to fall into place.
And, what has been least expected, I've learned to accept love. I knew I was ready for new beginnings in 2019. When I woke up on January 1, I took a breath and started again. After weeks of dodging another awkward first date, I finally made solid plans for a quick meet up. I called my mom on the way and told her I'd surely be calling her soon. I didn't expect it to go well.
Not only did it go well, but we closed down two restaurants (everywhere closed early on New Years Day) and ended up talking outside after the second restaurant closed. At one point he told me he was terrible with remembering names. I asked if he remembered mine and without missing a beat, he said, "Of course I remember yours, Tonya." We both knew that day that we didn't want to date anyone else. We bonded over our love of board games, our love for faith and family, and our pickiness in food, among other things.
We both lost a grandmother early in the year. In May, he received orders to move from Kansas to Georgia. And in October, he made the cross-country move. However, I'm thankful that I will be able to visit over Christmas Break and spend both the first and last day of the 2019 year with him.
As we 2019 comes to a close, I'm hopeful and ready for what is to come in 2020.
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